Treating Other People’s Problems Like Costco Sample Day

A client's work problem puked onto her life last week.

Not a tiny womp womp.

The kind that instantly starts trying to spread into every corner of her life.

And in the middle of it, she texted me:

“I still plan to keep leaving work on time.”

It had all the conviction of me telling a block of cheese I’m going vegan.

I know it was likely the most assertive sentence she could string together at the time, trying to hold onto something solid while the situation around her shifted.

So I threw her an emergency pool noodle:

“I WILL CONTINUE TO leave work on time.”

Later in the convo, she admitted:

“I was a teensy bit panicked about this change and, selfishly, its impact on me.”

And there it was.

Her fear that once again, she would have to abandon herself for the greater good.

So I summoned all her ancestors who had witnessed her incredible transformation over the last few months and collectively, we texted back:

YOUR JOB IS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. NOT ABSORB IT.

Weirdly enough, that same sentence ended up showing up in two completely different client conversations later that week.

Different women.
Different situations.
Same reflex.

Because I swear to Crème Brûlée, some of us get within six feet of someone else’s discomfort and start collecting other people's problems the way Midwestern dads approach Costco samples.

Crisis canapés? Delish!
People-pleasing pierogis? Yes please.
Chaos taquitos? Don't mind if I do.

And for reals?

This isn’t because women are weak.

It’s because women are trained.

Especially women over 40.

We were raised by generations of women who survived by smoothing things over, keeping the peace, swallowing the hit, managing the mood, anticipating the fallout, staying “easy,” staying useful, staying absorbent even when their own batteries looked like a dying smoke detector.

So now, even when we logically know better, our nervous systems still do this sneaky little shape-shift the second conflict appears.

The problem stops being the problem.

Now the problem is:
how everyone feels about the problem.

That’s the trap.

Because solving a problem and absorbing a problem are not remotely the same thing.

Solving sounds like:

making the decision
having the conversation
adjusting the logistics
finding the next right move
holding the boundary

Absorbing sounds like:

managing everyone’s reactions
trying to prevent discomfort entirely
pre-softening reality so nobody has feelings
emotionally monitoring the room like a haunted Airbnb host
carrying the stress in your body like it’s a community casserole

One moves things forward.

The other just slowly eats your organs while you smile politely and answer emails.

And the wild part?

Most women don’t even realize when the switch happens.

One minute you’re handling a situation.

The next minute your brain is building a studio apartment inside someone else’s experience and signing a 12-month lease.

No wonder so many women are exhausted.

No wonder so many women feel resentful and don’t fully understand why.

No wonder so many women fantasize about disappearing to Canada and opening a capybara café.

Because your nervous system can only carry so many jobs before it starts filing formal complaints.

This is the shift I watch happen over and over in women doing the work of coming home to themselves.

Not becoming colder.

Not becoming selfish.

Just becoming more accurate.

More able to recognize:

This is mine.
That is theirs.
This requires action.
That requires tolerance for discomfort.

Different skill set.

And a lot of us were never taught the difference.

We were taught endurance.
Performance.
Accommodation.
How to fold ourselves into smaller and smaller shapes without calling it grief.

But there comes a point in midlife where the whole thing starts feeling less noble and more like setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else psychologically climate-controlled.

That’s usually when the shift begins.

Not every uncomfortable reaction requires your intervention.
Not every disappointed person requires your restructuring.
Not every hard moment requires your full-body absorption.

Sometimes your job is just:

solve the problem
tell the truth
leave work on time
and stop emotionally foster-parenting fully-grown-ass hoomans.

Maybe the most radical thing a woman over 40 can do is stop believing peace is selfish.