The Fatality of "Fine"

Before we go primal, full attribution where it’s due: this piece was sparked by Paul Linehan’s brutal and brilliant essay on the 6/10 trap for men — read it here: https://paullinehan.co/post/the-6-10-trap

But the moment I finished reading it, my nervous system said:

Shnikees. Women are drowning in this shit.

Same trap.
Different conditioning.
Way more socially rewarded and gaslighty.

So let’s talk about us.

We’re Not Falling Apart. We’re Fading Out.

Most of us are not in crisis.

We’re not spiraling.
We’re not imploding.
We’re not on the floor.

We’re functioning.
We’re capable.
We’re reliable.

We’re doing what needs to be done.

And inside?

Something feels flat.
Muted.
Low-grade irritated.
Quietly restless without language for it.

This is where the danger lives.

Because when life is a 9/10, we’re alive and expanding.

And when life is a 3/10?

We move mountains.

What We Do at a 3/10

At a 3/10, women do not hesitate.

We leave relationships that are killing us.
We quit jobs with nothing lined up.
We move cities with kids and courage and no roadmap.
We rebuild entire lives on fumes, instinct, and audacity.

At a 3/10:

We act without permission
We tolerate risk because staying hurts more
We trust ourselves
We burn old identities down when they no longer fit

Our nervous system is activated.
Urgency is high.
Fear is present — but motion is louder.

We don’t wait for confidence.
We move first and figure it out as we go.

And then — later — we forget this version of ourselves ever existed.

When 6/10 Delays Action Until Pain Gives Permission

I know this pattern intimately.

I wasn’t cherished, encouraged, or inspired by my husband.
But I stayed.

Not because I was weak.
Because I was committed.
Because I believed in the long game.
Because nothing was on fire.

It was fine.

And this matters: my divorce wasn’t something I chose — not at first.

It wasn’t until addiction pulled him back under, until the situation crossed from tolerable into undeniable, that I finally had the conviction to act.

The pain didn’t create the problem.
It created permission.

That’s the difference between 6/10 and 3/10.
At 6, we endure.
At 3, we move.

The Problem With the 6/10

At a 6/10, nothing is on fire.

Bills get paid.
People depend on us.
We’re respected.
We’re “fine.”

So urgency dies quietly.

The nervous system says:
“This is survivable. Let’s conserve.”

And because women are extraordinary adapters, we don’t just survive the 6/10.

We normalize it.
We optimize it.
We build entire identities around enduring it.

How We Learned to Survive the 6/10 and Call It Maturity

We normalize the tight chest.
We normalize the Sunday dread that never lifts.
We normalize being tired even after rest.
We normalize not feeling excited about our own lives.

We tell ourselves:

“This is just midlife.”
“I should be grateful.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I don’t have the energy to start over.”
“Wanting more feels greedy.”

And because we’re high-functioning, competent, and socially conditioned to keep things running smoothly, we don’t just tolerate the 6/10.

We defend it.

Until one day we realize:

Our lives technically work.
But we don’t feel alive inside them.

Why Anything Better Than 6 Starts to Feel Greedy

Here’s the part we almost never say out loud.

For women, anything above a 6 feels suspicious.

Seven feels indulgent.
Eight feels selfish.
Nine feels unrealistic.
Ten feels irresponsible.

So when desire surfaces, we don’t honor it.

We interrogate it.

We ask:

“Who do I think I am?”
“Isn’t this enough?”
“Why can’t I just be satisfied?”
“Am I being greedy?”

This is the real cruelty of the 6/10 trap.

It doesn’t just keep us comfortable.
It teaches us to distrust our own hunger.

We don’t just stay stuck.
We gaslight ourselves into believing that wanting aliveness is a moral failure.

That’s not humility.

That’s conditioning.

This Isn’t a Mindset Problem. It’s a Nervous System Lock.

Here’s the inconvenient, sexy science.

Our brains are prediction machines designed to conserve energy.

They are constantly asking:
Is this safe?
Is this predictable?
Can we maintain this without threat?

At a 6/10 life, the answer is yes.

So the nervous system stands down.

Now layer in what’s happening for women over 40:

Estrogen and progesterone shifts impact dopamine (motivation), serotonin (wellbeing), and GABA (calm)
Cortisol baseline rises after decades of over-functioning and emotional labor
Reward circuits dull while threat detection sharpens

Translation:

Our brains quietly choose stability over aliveness
and label it responsible.

So when we ask:
“Why can’t I just make myself want more?”

The answer is relieving:

Our nervous system is exhausted, not broken.

Why Motivation Will Never Save Us

Motivation runs on dopamine.

But in a 6/10 nervous system:

Dopamine release is blunted
Novelty feels threatening
Comfort suppresses movement

So yelling at ourselves to “just try harder” is like asking a drained battery to power a city.

We don’t need:

Better affirmations
A new planner
Another vision board

We need activation.

Activation Isn’t Chaos. It’s Designed Friction.

At a 3/10, pain forced action.

At a 6/10, we have to create enough friction to wake ourselves up.

Not destruction.
Not implosion.

But intentional edges that tell the nervous system:
“This matters. Pay attention.”

That’s when:

Dopamine re-engages
Neuroplasticity increases
Momentum returns

That’s how aliveness comes back online.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

Here is the truth women over 40 need to hear until it lands in their bones:

We are allowed to want more without burning everything to the ground.

We don’t need a crisis to earn change.
We don’t need to justify desire.
We don’t need permission to expand.

A 6/10 life isn’t a failure.

But it is a signal.

A Question That Refuses to Be Ignored

What part of our lives are we tolerating
because it’s not painful enough
to force change
but not nourishing enough
to make us feel alive?

And what story are we telling ourselves
to make that toleration feel noble?

A 6/10 life isn’t a failure.
But ignoring it slowly costs us our edge, our joy, and our sense of self.

Same mountain.
Different terrain.
And no — we were never meant to live at a six.

Want to launch your comeback tour together? Start here.